Undercut Letters - from Mikey Undercut (so not right)

The sarcastic F1 newsletter you never knew you needed. Every Thursday and Monday.

Tired of boring F1 newsletters? Good news! Mikey Undercut is here to serve up the juiciest gossip and eye-roll-worthy antics from the racing circus.Forget stats and facts; we’re diving straight into the ridiculousness of clueless drivers and team blunders. Why read about racing when you can laugh at the chaos? Buckle up—Mikey’s about to spill the tea!

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#000 “If you don't want this, don’t read. Simple.”

Dear readers,Guess what? I’m back, you’re back, we’re all back. Back in this chaos that we call Formula 1, where people drive in circles, talk nonsense, and somehow call it “strategy.” Let’s get to it.🤷♂️ Bottas Can't Do Sh*t to Decide His Own FutureHere’s Valtteri Bottas, sipping his flat white and growing his mullet while waiting for someone else to tell him if he’s still driving next year. Honestly, it’s like waiting for a bus that may or may not show up because Sauber management is off daydreaming about whether they want a Finn or maybe a pet rock in the seat. Valtteri says he can’t do anything about it – which is precisely the same amount of things he did in a Mercedes after Rosberg left. The man’s hands are tied tighter than the Sauber strategy. He’ll just keep waiting and growing that hair. It’s the only thing progressing at Sauber right now.🎉 Perez Isn't Retiring, He’s Just Retiring from WinningIn case anyone was wondering if Sergio Perez was packing up and retiring in Mexico with a piña colada and some badly placed sombreros, think again! He’s adamant: "I will 100% be here next year." Yeah, Checo, we believe you – you’ll be on the grid, probably watching Verstappen on lap 70 while you’re still on lap 30. But good news! He’ll still be here next year, crashing, getting stuck behind AlphaTauris, and being the subject of endless speculation. You can’t get rid of Checo, even if you wanted to. It’s like Red Bull has a two-for-one deal: buy a Max, get a Perez for free.😱 Max Realises You Can't Win Every Race—Shock HorrorMax Verstappen, Mr. “I Win Every Race or Break Something,” has finally come to terms with the fact that he might, gasp, not win this championship. It’s like someone finally told him Santa isn’t real. In this Austin showdown, he’s apparently lacking “quite a bit.” Which, in Max terms, probably means he only wins by 10 seconds instead of 30. Poor guy, must be so hard dominating every season. Maybe, just maybe, he’ll have to do something crazy, like race for second.🎮 Lawson Prepares for More Red Bull GamesLiam Lawson’s back, ready to be Red Bull’s backup driver, sidekick, and coffee-fetcher all in one. Apparently, he knows Red Bull’s expectations are higher than Max's ego, but hey, the kid’s ready. What exactly are they expecting, though? Probably to show up, be fast, and don’t touch anything. He's like a guest at a fancy dinner party, hoping he doesn’t spill the wine or, worse, beat Verstappen. It’s tough being the backup; you get all the stress and none of the perks. Keep at it, Lawson—you might just get a chance when they accidentally switch tires between the cars again.⚔️ Norris vs. Verstappen: The Battle We Never Knew We NeededAh, the big showdown in Austin! Lando Norris, who’s basically still a child, and Max Verstappen, who’s been winning since the dinosaurs roamed the Earth, are going head-to-head. Lando thinks he’s got a shot. He’s been working on this for years—building up the courage to tell Max to shove it, while simultaneously hoping his McLaren doesn’t implode mid-race. It’s like David vs. Goliath, but Goliath already has a few titles and a massive ego. But hey, anything can happen in Austin, right? Like maybe Max gets bored and starts playing Mario Kart halfway through. Lando might get a win then.That’s it for this week, you bunch of muppets. Stop whining, stop crashing, and for the love of God, stop asking about tire compounds. Let’s just watch the races and laugh as it all falls apart.Yours sarcastically,
Mikey Undercut
“If you're last, you’re last. Stop crying.”

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